BY QUEEN KATHLEEN EVANS

THE SCARLET la-TEA-das

UPDATE: When I first wrote this column I had no idea the amount of attention it would garner. I had hoped it might help some, but certainly would never have suspected to have it copied and distributed at meetings and events; quoted from, suggestions added, and more praise than I ever thought possible for a reasonably snotty message. Many others identified with what I'd written though, they saw themselves in many of the comments and appreciated this column so much, they've encouraged me to continue ranting on a regular basis.

It's true, it seems every event I attend I find new fodder for this column. It never stops. Problem is--the people I actually wrote this for will probably never take the time to read it, or if they do or did, wouldn't see themselves in it.

Point is though, I made a lot of women happy with my ranting and for that I am very happy.

Keep On Ranting!!!

I don’t want to go off on a rant here, BUT ….

 People often ask me what being a red hatter is all about and I usually give them a stock answer about when I’m old and recite part of the poem and then say it’s about having fun. There are no assignments, requirements, obligations and so forth. There’s no religious or philosophical affiliation.

However after having been involved for over three years I think I can offer a wiser and more experienced answer.

Some women who join a chapter do so to have fun. And that’s what it’s supposed to be about.

But with age comes wisdom and I have finally figured out that some women (I’ll reserve my comments for men for another rant) seem to be incapable of having “fun.”

One brave soul decides to form a chapter, pays the fees, signs up and invites other women to join—her friends, co-workers, or strangers and they begin.

Often the very first outing or event true colors begin to show in many of the women—and that has nothing to do with the colors of red or purple.

They complain about wearing a hat. “I hate hats, why do we have to wear them?” “I can’t find ANYTHING in purple.” “Hats give me a headache.” “Hats muss my hair.” “I don’t look good in purple.” “Why do we have to wear purple and red, can’t we wear other colors?”

WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

It’s the RED HAT SOCIETY – either you get it or you don’t. If you don’t care to wear hats or purple, then join something else and stop annoying the rest of us who do.

If you can’t stand to be around women acting silly or trying to have a good time, then stay home and be miserable there, don’t come to an event other people have paid to come to and ruin their good time. You probably wouldn’t know what a good time is if it came up and smacked you in the face anyway, so why spoil things for the rest of us?

Look at it this way—there might be another woman sitting at that table that was just diagnosed with a terminal illness; lost a loved one after a lengthy illness or quickly to something else—this event might be a way of them trying to get back their sense of happiness, an attempt at their getting back on their feet. What gives you the right to criticize the splinter in someone else’s eye, when you can’t see the boulder in your own?

Try thinking of someone other than yourself for a change. It might do us all a big favor.

Do you have any idea whatsoever what it takes to plan a major event? The amount of thought, planning, detailed work that goes in to entertaining a bunch of women? Not to mention the out of pocket costs many of us who handle these large events sponsor that we’ll never recoup? I sincerely doubt it.

After all, if it were easy, EVERYONE would be doing it!

Please do us all a favor and host an event yourself, see how easy it is. But I warn you, be prepared for complaints, whining, stealing, thoughtless acts of unkindness, hurt feelings, and at least one if not more women who will attend and spoil things for at least half of the guests invited.

Let me explain something in the simplest manner I possibly can.

When you join a red hat chapter—these are some of the things you CAN (and should) expect:

You’ll go to nice places you might ordinarily never get a chance to go to

You’ll meet new people you might have some fun with or become friends with

You’ll have a special sense of camaraderie you may never have had before

You’ll have an opportunity to have some fun—if you don’t have fun—it’s undoubtedly your fault

You will laugh—if you allow yourself to

If you need help, red hatters will be the first to lend you a hand. Most of them are very gracious and understanding.

You'll have fun dressing up, or just getting dressed for that matter, many people that join a chapter haven't been out for a good time in a long while

These are the things you SHOULD NOT expect:

A sense of entitlement

The license to be rude and obnoxious

The audacity to criticize how someone else looks

To criticize the woman sponsoring the event for any reason. If you find a fly in your soup, tell the server—don’t run to the queen and complain—it’s not her fault

A free ride. If you don’t drive, arrange for your own transportation to and from an event—don’t anticipate someone is going to pick you up and chauffeur you around—this isn’t the Driving Miss Daisy Society. Should you be fortunate enough to have someone who is kind enough to extend you the courtesy of driving you to and from events, please offer to pay for some of the gas money, bring them a token of your appreciation, or just say thank you once in a while

Don’t show up to an event with out having previously made a reservation and expect to be seated. You wouldn’t do that at a wedding, why would you do it at a red hat event? Because so many red hatters have ruined it for others, more and more events must have assigned seating and must be paid in advance prior to the event. Yes, there are people who don’t show up at the last minute or are unable to attend. Don’t think your sense of entitlement gives you the right to just show up and be seated—many times the hostess has a waiting list and those are the people who will have the available seats—that way the person who was unable to attend might be able to get their money returned. Again, it’s not always just “about you!”

Don't show up for an event an hour before the event is to begin just so you can get a better seat. More often than not in the future there will be assigned seating. The hostess doesn't need the added burden of entertaining you before the rest of the guests arrive. If you do show up early, then ask if you can help, don't expect to be entertained, start complaining as soon as you walk through the door. The woman sponsoring the event has enough to worry about without the added burden of you.

If you as a group go out to a restaurant, please don't annoy everyone else in the place, especially the service workers and the people you came in with. You know exactly what you ordered, don't try to be slick and throw a $10.00 bill on the table to pay for your drinks, meal, tax and tip when you know very well you ordered three glasses of wine, an appetizer, a full meal, and maybe split a dessert with the person next to you. Figure out EXACTLY what you owe and throw a little extra in. You're out there representing the rest of us, don't leave a bad impression everywhere you go. People remember the red hat and the purple. They don't remember the face. Frankly I don't want to go somewhere and be treated rudely because you left a bad impression. Don't give us all a bad name. Restaurants are now refusing to seat a group of red hatters because you've managed to spoil it for the rest of us. Knock it off!

If you're supposed to bring something to an event, then bring it. Over the years women attend events without bringing grab bag gifts, take a gift when they know very well they haven't brought anything themselves, and then another person is without a gift because of someone's selfish attitude.

Many people have allergies. Please don't  wear heavy perfume, or other fragrance that could make someone sitting next to or near you sick.

Many people have food allergies too, please respect their special dietary requests.

Let's respect each other's diversity. We're all different religions, we have countless heritage backgrounds. Let's celebrate our diversity, try to learn from one another instead of shunning or saying disparaging remarks to hurt others.

Don't cancel your reservation to an event the day of the event and expect a refund. If someone has signed a contract with a banquet hall or restaurant, or theatre, you have been counted as part of the final count. The person handling the event isn't going to get a refund so why should you expect one back from her.

Because we’ve had four years of experience we’ve also had four years to learn every trick in the book. Don’t try to show up at an event, saying you’ve paid, when you know very well you haven’t, and then expect to be seated. And don’t try to just sneak in anymore either, yes people do it all the time. It’s not going to happen. Many of us have learned to bring copies of all reservations and checks or other forms of payment and we will be checking to see if you indeed have made arrangements prior to the day of the event. If you show up and you don’t have a paid reservation you will have to sit and wait until everyone else is seated, the records checked, if no reservation was made you will be asked to leave or pay an additional fee, then later, show your proof of payment, and then assuming there is room for you, you will possibly be seated after the waiting list people. Other women have spoiled things for everyone. There is no honor system any more. The individual sponsoring the event isn’t making money on it—she’s spending her own money often times, why should she have to pay for your ticket? And why should you expect to be treated like a guest when you’re nothing more than a common thief.

If you have your own business, please don’t join a chapter and expect to have free reign over everyone you come in contact with or to use mailing lists to promote your business.

Come on women, this isn't rocket science--practice the golden rule. It's not that difficult.

Of course that's just my opinion--I could be wrong, but I doubt it! 

More ranting to come.